Tuesday, May 27, 2008

The Count Down

Well, here it is, Sunday night before graduation on Saturday. Tonight I have been going thru pictures of this precious child of mine. She has grown from a precious baby, to a sassy sassy little girl, to a prissy/tomboy tweenager and now into this confident, caring, beautiful young woman.

I've been asked many times, how did you raise your kids. I always say and just let me say again, this is not trying to sound spiritual, this is just the cold hard facts...God raised these children and just allowed me the honor of being their mom. Oh and what an honor...what a blessed honor to be called "Moma", "Ma", "Beth".

Oh, yes, there have been times I would have liked to change my name to anything but the above and there have been times when I thought they would push me right over the edge. But, haven't I done the same to my Heavenly Father. Doesn't He ever think, this child of mine, what will I do with her. I have experienced lately the pulling away of both of my kids. The flight of their wings, which of course is so natural and right and good but oh I just had no idea how much it would hurt. So happy for them, but oh a pain in my heart that is so deep. Which makes me think of my Father...its never ever natural or the right time for me to pull away from Him and yet I have. I miss Him so much and I know each and every day that He is there, waiting for me to return fully. His word says that as much as I love my children, He loves me more. So, how it must hurt Him for me to pull away from Him. To not share my heart with Him. To be a rebellious child. As I return and feel Him drawing me to Himself...the safest place I have ever been in my life. Why would I leave such a place, I simply do not have an answer for this question. I am just so thankful that He never leaves me nor forsakes me...that He loves me. A love I have never experienced on this earth...a love I have longed for on this earth, just a part of what He has for me. For some reason He has not allowed me to feel even an inkling of that love...not yet.

I know I will always love my kids, no matter what...nothing can change the mothers love I have in my heart for these children. Nothing can change God from loving this incredibly messed up child of His, either. What a wonderful, wonderful thought.

So, I sit, I sit and wonder what is next for me. Where is God taking me, will I listen, will I be still and know Him. Will I sit before Him and allow Him to take my suffering and use it for His Glory. After all, isn't that why I'm here, for His Glory. If I can just keep my eyes on Him, I can face tomorrow.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

May 15, 2008 First Day of Blogging

Well, here goes nothing or maybe something. Thanks for stopping by for a visit. I will get my page set up cute/pretty something soon. I have used all of my time this morning getting to this point and now I must get ready.

I will be back here soon!

My Baby Girl

Ok, I'm suddenly wondering how it is you get thru your baby graduating. It was hard enough with Zach. As graduation draws nigh, I'm thinking OMG how am I going to do this. I've really been trying to be happy for Kristyn and not show my sadness so much but my heart hurts, literally. We have the athletic banquet tonight, prom friday, honor society banquet next tuesday, last day of school and senior breakfast, then graduation. And she keeps saying "I've got to write my speech for graduation" (Class president speaks), everytime she says that I think, you have got to be kidding me. She is to young to be doing all of this, isn't she? The announcements are mailed, cards already coming in and I just want to scream STOP THIS IS GOING TO FAST!!!!!!!! Let me just sit down and have my baby girl crawl up in my lap, I'll fix her some chocolate milk with her sippy lid and we'll just rock for a while. I'll play with her hair while she drinks that milk like its a bottle and then we'll just rock and talk. Of course, she is so busy, she doesn't have time to sit much less rock! I just don't know how to let this one go.

I look at this child/woman and am in awe of what God has givin me in this child. A mom so afraid of having a girl because I didn't think I could give her what she needed since it had never been given to me. Isn't i amazing how God always knows what He is doing! He knew I needed that girl to love and He has given her the ability to love me back and given us the ability to have a close relationship. Perfect, no, but great! She melts my heart almost everytime I watch her. I know I'm weird but I do, I'll watch both of my kids doing things and my heart just feels so full of love for them. I think every little thing on them is so cute, precious hands and precious feet, still! Does anyone else do that? I wait for her to come home anxiously, excited to see her everyday. Of course, there are times she comes in a cranky mood and I think "now why did I want her to come home"?

I must thank the Lord for allowing me to be Kristyn's mom (Zach's too but this is about her graduating). What a priviledge it has been to raise this baby into a woman. Now, I'm going to have to let go and let her fly and just be here when she needs me. I guess the One that allowed me to be her mom will also give me what it takes to get thru her growing up and moving away to college.

There are geese in our neighborhood. I've been watching two in particular, parents actually. They have four babies and I watch them protect their babies and teach their babies. The babies play but always right around mom and dad. They stay in the tall grass in the fields, I think that is for protection of their babies from scarey things in life. One day all 6 of them were crossing the road in front of me. It was so precious. One day those babies will grow up and be on their own and they will fly away from mom and dad. Hopefully, they'll come back for a visit every now and then.

So, I must let go and let God take over where I can't be there (I know He has been here the entire time but now He will have double duty). I'm sure He can handle it and I know better than I. But, I think I have to talk to him about letting these children become adults so early. I mean really, He doesn't give them to us for very long. Thank you Lord for blessing me with the children you have given me. I am humbled beyond words at your grace to me. I sure didn't deserve this.

Ok, I must move on today. I'm starting to get interruptions from family. I've gotten my tears out this morning so maybe I won't cry at the banquet tonight. Thanks for letting me share!