Tuesday, May 27, 2008

The Count Down

Well, here it is, Sunday night before graduation on Saturday. Tonight I have been going thru pictures of this precious child of mine. She has grown from a precious baby, to a sassy sassy little girl, to a prissy/tomboy tweenager and now into this confident, caring, beautiful young woman.

I've been asked many times, how did you raise your kids. I always say and just let me say again, this is not trying to sound spiritual, this is just the cold hard facts...God raised these children and just allowed me the honor of being their mom. Oh and what an honor...what a blessed honor to be called "Moma", "Ma", "Beth".

Oh, yes, there have been times I would have liked to change my name to anything but the above and there have been times when I thought they would push me right over the edge. But, haven't I done the same to my Heavenly Father. Doesn't He ever think, this child of mine, what will I do with her. I have experienced lately the pulling away of both of my kids. The flight of their wings, which of course is so natural and right and good but oh I just had no idea how much it would hurt. So happy for them, but oh a pain in my heart that is so deep. Which makes me think of my Father...its never ever natural or the right time for me to pull away from Him and yet I have. I miss Him so much and I know each and every day that He is there, waiting for me to return fully. His word says that as much as I love my children, He loves me more. So, how it must hurt Him for me to pull away from Him. To not share my heart with Him. To be a rebellious child. As I return and feel Him drawing me to Himself...the safest place I have ever been in my life. Why would I leave such a place, I simply do not have an answer for this question. I am just so thankful that He never leaves me nor forsakes me...that He loves me. A love I have never experienced on this earth...a love I have longed for on this earth, just a part of what He has for me. For some reason He has not allowed me to feel even an inkling of that love...not yet.

I know I will always love my kids, no matter what...nothing can change the mothers love I have in my heart for these children. Nothing can change God from loving this incredibly messed up child of His, either. What a wonderful, wonderful thought.

So, I sit, I sit and wonder what is next for me. Where is God taking me, will I listen, will I be still and know Him. Will I sit before Him and allow Him to take my suffering and use it for His Glory. After all, isn't that why I'm here, for His Glory. If I can just keep my eyes on Him, I can face tomorrow.

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